The Courage to Unlearn

Let me start with the borrowed words from Adam Grant - 

It takes curiosity to learn. It takes courage to unlearn. Learning is how you evolve. Unlearning is how you keep up as the world evolves.

I’ve grown up listening to several older people/elders generously throw around the phrase - “I know this is right because we’ve been doing it like this/saying it this way since before you were born, YOU will learn with time” 

Well, it feels like I’ve arrived at ‘that time’ and the more I go through life, the more I want to disassociate with that phrase. If anything, I find myself struggling to unlearn so much that has been considered ‘the way things are done’ ‘the way you should react’ ‘the only way to offer help’ It’s been around so long or used so much that we believe it’s the right thing, even if it’s toxic and unhealthy. 

Let me unpack this with a few patterns I am trying to unlearn as a 30-something-year-old navigating this complex, (mostly?) unkind world…

It takes courage to unlearn that your parents are not always right. They mostly come from a place of love and concern, but some of their ways/habits/reactions may not fully apply to the world that has changed leaps and bounds. The honesty they relied on, the community they forged, the value of commodities in their time - all gone or substituted. The rules of every game have changed. 

Quick example here: my dad has always believed in putting everyone before himself. Ever ready to help, even if it caused him inconvenience. Fundamentally this is a very kind thing to do, but in today’s world, if you don’t draw boundaries, it’s detrimental to you. You can still be a helpful person, but never at the cost of your health or peace of mind. 

It takes courage to unlearn that getting married or having children are not achievements. People can choose not to do both and be just as successful as people who have. As a society, we eclipse every other achievement in a person’s life with these two aspects.

 Unlearning this means showing up for friends and family who are starting businesses, buying land to farm, investing in real estate, graduating after 40, changing careers, starting a side hustle, finally coming out to their families (all this irrespective of, if they are married or not, and have kids or not) 

It takes courage to unlearn that no one or nothing in your life can wish away something good that is meant for you. We are to ‘jinx’ it. I subscribe to this thinking as well. It is taking a lot of unlearning to see that what is destined to be yours or come into your life, will happen one way or the other. 

My mom has been a strong believer in this and I think where I am in life today is a testament to her belief.

 It’s all about timing. If it hasn’t happened yet, it isn’t because someone wished it upon you, it’s because you are not there yet or something much better and bigger is waiting for you. You can’t see it, because you are in the eye of the storm. 

 It takes courage to unlearn that you will never fully have closure on certain things. Not every relationship, friendship, or family bond that’s broken will offer you a full explanation or time to offer up your side of the story… You may often not even receive an apology. Not everything is meant to be fixed. Sometimes you just gotta move on, for your own good. 

(easier said than done, but unlearning is not easy anyway) 

 It takes courage to unlearn that not everyone you meet is trying to compete with you/be better than you/have more than you. Some are genuinely your cheerleaders, helpers, and mentors. 

Identify them. 

Stick with them. 

Be there for them just the way they show up for you. 

We cannot be the sum total of everything we've been taught. Learning and unlearning are both evolutionary. 

On most days we might fail, but it’s important to have the courage to unlearn….