When life handed me these lemons, I made lemonade that was pretty salty at first, but some sugar and tequila fixed it pretty good.
𝘋𝘪𝘴𝘤𝘭𝘢𝘪𝘮𝘦𝘳: No bad blood between anyone I know or I'm friends with.
Like the rest of my writings, this one's brutally honest and I wanted to share it in order to put it out there (a) that you can re-calibrate a relationship without being salty about it. It's not easy, but not impossible either. (in my humble opinion) (b) I really hope I am not the only one and would love to hear other perspectives on this!
I want to start this slightly salty lemonade account with some classy clichés:
As you grow older your friend circle gets smaller
You make all kinds of friends in life but your school friends are the best
Your true friends understand and accept you for who you are
All these are great with pastel backgrounds and fancy fonts, but what about everything that happens between growing older and a smaller friend circle?
What about the judgements and jokes before you are truly accepted for who you are?
I’ve come to realise that while I have some of the best, most wonderful and loyal friends (yes, I used very clichéd words on purpose) I’ve had to re-calibrate a few of my friendships, because turns out, I have an issue with setting boundaries and expectations.
I really hope I am not the only one who has expectations from friendships as high as Snoop Dogg all the time.
Part 1 - Slow Texts & Sips of Lemonade
It started small - text messages.
For years I’ve had the tendency to feel guilty for not responding to messages quickly. I would drop everything and respond, and here’s the worse part - I would expect that in return too.
My guilt stemmed from a feeling that I was letting down a normal expectation. And of course like garnish on a perfect dish, there was this thought of - what if they think I’m not responding to them but posting on social media!!
It took me a lot of time, multiple rant sessions, some crying to realize, that’s a stupid expectation to set for myself and for other people. Slow texts are okay. Being busy is okay. Not being busy and not responding is also okay. Responding on your own time is OKAY. (This is part sharing-an-experience, part reminder-to-self)
I then wrestled with giving explanations for late texts - how do you explain to everyone that some days I’m not doing so well. My Instagram profile is not a measure of my happiness.
Some friends you can speak to more naturally about these things, others not so much (that doesn’t make them bad friends!)
Again, several stress situations later, I stopped offering an explanation. I just started or picked up the conversation. I was truly happy to see my closest bunch not hold that against me, some others surprised me too, I, myself, started to consciously extend the same courtesy to all my relationships - family & friends.
Those that made me feel guilty for prioritising myself = Re-calibrated.
Part 2 - When life hands you Initiators, cherish them..
In some friendships you come to realise that you are the only person that calls first, texts first, makes a plan first, inquires about well-being first. It took a global pandemic for me to realise, that when left with only our devices, these people never bothered to initiate anything with me, if I hadn’t said anything. I found this a great time to re-evaluate and redraw my boundaries in these relationships.
I consciously decided what demands I will allow these people to make of me in the future. It was not a snap decision, it’s an ongoing process that involves me working through a lot of anger, hurt, disappointment and even some relief. It goes without saying that I am extending a great deal of empathy to those that are struggling and the sentiment most definitely doesn’t apply to them. BUT I do have a bunch of friendships where it would be awesome to be at the receiving end of an initiating text or call.
I haven’t ended those friendships, not at all. I have just re-calibrated them. Something like turning down the volume a little bit.
For the classic over-thinker that I am, it is a bit of a struggle, but I am slowly learning to adjust the energy people draw from me. And it does feel better.
“Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me”
- Michael Gary Scott.
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