Love - a subject everyone's written about. But here I am, adding one more to the pile.
I've invariably been a rom-com gal, excited to see love portrayed larger than life, unreasonable, beautiful, and sometimes unrealistic. (Shout out to my all-time favourite - Crazy Stupid Love)
But then reality sets in and we find ourselves ‘settling’
Now, I’m making a sharp distinction between settling in love and settling in a relationship.
The former involves starting off with cute dates, and anniversary celebrations that are a little over the top (as they should be!) and gradually turns into settling for the basics of everyday life - 'he/she/they did laundry this week or took the kids to practice & it’s sweet because he/she/they had a hard work week’
The latter needs a whole other write up, so we are not going there too.
Settling in love is a collection of small things we believe are natural with the passage of time or even when we get into relationships as we are older.
Accepting this as the world order, I believed it too.
But my household was always built a little different. You know how if dad didn't let you do something you could just ask mum and get away with it? Or vice versa?
Well, that didn't fly in my house. My parents were this inseparable team, with their little giggles and jokes. It’s almost like they had their own language.
This would absolutely annoy a younger me. But the older I got, the more I understood this is love straight out of romcoms camouflaged with domestic tasks and the monotony of life. The more I observed, the more evident it became — their relationship was anything but mediocre.
That reshaped my idea of ‘settling’
When I met my husband back in university, I was worried about how to describe this love I wanted, without having him basically observe my parents every minute. But then I met his parents and instantly knew I didn't need to describe it to him because he already knew.
We were both sitting on almost perfect examples of love that's anything but mediocre.
His parents — inseparable. BIG team players with the stupid little jokes and giggles.
Both of our parents 25 years into their marriages. Over 35 years together.
The complete non-tolerance for any mediocrity in love was further cemented when my mom fell sick and my dad started to transition from the working man to her full-time care taker and nothing was too small for him to do. She's completely bedridden and he's done everything for her, with a smile on his face and never a complaint.
It's the way he recounts the best times with her and most of them are not fancy vacations or the big stuff, it's the little conversations when he picked her up from work or the way they timed these meetings in a pre-cellphone era.
The perfect collision of two worlds is when he recounts this to my in-laws and they have stories like this of their own.
It's inspirational. You know when they say — love transcends all?
I’ve witnessed it.
It's never linear. It takes on different forms and most of the time it lies hidden in the everyday-ness of life
It has inspired me to put in the work in my relationship.
It makes you comfortable with expression, loving more, living more, going beyond the very minimum that's is required in a relationship.
It has inspired me to be more intentional with my single friends looking for love, be courageous enough to tell them if they are oversettling or being unreasonable.
We do a lot of mediocre things in our lives, sometimes by choice and sometimes by circumstance.
Mediocre
dates
work days
some friendships
text messages
some days at the gym,
we also have to settle for mediocre modes of transport (shout-out to everyone taking the TTC)
In a world full of mediocre things, love cannot be one.
Embrace it with everything you've got. The ‘be there in good times and in bad’ is not just for the wedding video, times can really oscillate between both and life has a sick sense of humour.
It's why your love ought to be larger than life, steadfast, and co-dependent without losing your individuality.
Nothing is promised & life can change in a flash, don’t take your love for granted. And if you are out looking, don't settle for mediocre love...
I’ve noticed that people love to hurry. Meals are always quick, coffees are never savoured, glances are fleeting, conversations brief and it feels like this is becoming normal, that people only expect surface level and only strive for surface level in all aspects of life. Mediocre coffee, lukewarm love. Convenience. Because life is scary and when you sit with it long enough and really listen to the silence, you notice what you’re missing, and some of what we miss, we know we will never be able to find again.
- Seyda Noir
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