When life gives you lemons, make lemonade and take a beat to think about your actions and their impact!
An important realisation. Better later than never, amirite?
Life handed me a lovely lemon, but he was an introvert.
It took me a long long time to realize, that it was his most defining quality.
So this piece is dedicated to all the introverts out there. *respectful nod*
Universally we’ve established that communication is crucial in any kind of relationship and it assumes different forms.
I am a very loud and expressive person - so I vibe well with people that match my energy.
However, when Joel walked into my life, it was the closest encounter I had with a pretty extreme introvert. While the honeymoon phase was awesome, I just couldn’t wrap my head around why I was the sole contributor in most of those late-night calls, texts, and emails. (initially, I didn’t mind it at all, because my stories were plentiful)
But layer on a long-distance relationship and some days were straight up hell. I mistook his lack of words for lack of enthusiasm and sometimes even lack of love.
Now, I need to clarify (atop my perspective peak) -
Joel’s lack of words wasn’t really a complete absence of communication. IT WAS JUST NOT HOW MUCH I WANTED.
was he still genuine - yes!
did he love me - more than I am willing to admit!
But my dumb ass was too agitated to understand, that he was being himself - an introvert.
Of course, it led to fights. While I could declare to the world and defend him always - ‘Jo is just a quiet person' I was being a big hypocrite and demanding he change his ways for me and disturb a universal balance.
While this wasn’t a constant demand, it came up significantly.
It was only when I started living with him I realized what it truly meant to be an extrovert and enjoy every moment with an introvert. It made me feel pretty damn stupid about a bunch of my actions in the past.
Non-verbal cues are crucial, they helped me draw that distinction between an umm that meant I agree and an ummmm that meant ‘oh that’s interesting’
I listened carefully for the under-the-breath one-liners that are always well-timed and executed.
On a more serious note, I started to truly grasp what he meant by - this is how I am. while this seems like a general and superficial statement, I only now understand the depth of it.
It meant -
he was utterly happy just to listen to my endless stories
his silence while hanging out even at home was not the absence of interest but the joy of being absolutely himself and being accepted just like that
his witty yet limited contributions to conversations meant he was listening to everything and could relay it all back to me if needed (but hoped it never came to that)
his limited interactions when out with my friends didn’t mean disinterest, it meant he wanted to know and hang with new people, but at his pace
he showed up loud and clear for the important conversations, for the dad jokes, and in any professional environment
I’ve seen Jo struggle to explain to many friends and even family that he’s just not an ‘outgoing person’ and that was met with looks of disappointment or even disbelief - you are just quiet and shy!
Yes maybe, but why is that a bad thing?
Because we are taught growing up that you have to be ‘outspoken’ to some of us being more expressive came naturally and society rewarded you for being like that - you were called a ‘smart kid’ ‘enterprising kid’ ‘popular kid’
(low-key shout out to those who were also called ‘over smart’ - don’t let them dampen your enthusiasm)
We’ve subconsciously punished introverts for just being themselves.
It’s brutal and important we change that.
Joel has helped me see and interact with introverts differently, and most importantly, not be one of those individuals I saw growing up that simply boiled it down to - YOU JUST NEED TO TALK MORE.
The next time you hang with anyone, consciously pick up on non-verbal cues and if they are introverts, don’t force them to initiate a conversation or contribute in a way that makes them uncomfortable. Be the initiator (with boundaries), and let them know you are in their corner and it’s absolutely wonderful to continue being themselves. This last bit being so significant when you encounter a kid, perhaps your little niece, nephew, or a friend’s kiddo.
And this very last bit is for you my Joel -
An introvert may be quiet on the outside
but their cranium contains a noisy carnival.
A billion beautiful ideas awaiting attention;
inner entertainment from a wild imagination.
There’s a non-stop possibility party in their head,
and they take it with them, wherever they go.
- John Mark Green
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