When life gave me the lemons of long-distance, I made lemonade Added some rum Made my own version of a mojito And sipped it (more like chugged it) on the hardest days.
It was 5 years of long-distance in a 10 year relationship.
Survived. Married the boy.
LDRs can be messy but they are not impossible.
𝑫𝒊𝒔𝒄𝒍𝒂𝒊𝒎𝒆𝒓: 𝘕𝘰 𝘣𝘰𝘺𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘴 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘮𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘱.
Long Distance relationships suck. They are the black hole where hopes and dreams go to die.
Now that the general opinion of long distance relationships is out of the way, I’d like to share some valuable lessons I learnt from being in a relationship for 10 years, where 5 years were spend navigating through long distance.
First a little context!
Joel and myself started dating back in 2010. At first it was all fun and games in university. We then began to see our relationship evolve from being students to young working professionals, both trying to ace their first jobs and new lifestyles, things escalated, I move to another state in India and Joel moved to another continent.
It’s been a mixed bag - a sea of emotions, inside jokes, positive criticisms, precious moments, golden memories and a razzle dazzle of situations filled with doubt and anger.
But most of all it’s been absolutely worth it!
Here are 5 powerful lessons I learned and thought would be worth sharing with those that need to hear it.
(Don’t worry they are not your regular - Communicate, Trust, Loyalty advice) (1) Trust the evolution of your relationship.
You will transition through phases in your life from being a student to a working professional, or from being employed to starting your own firm or from using words like ‘ma fone’(Jo used these words, I wish I was kidding!) to ‘Let’s circle back to this’, your mindset will evolve too and you will develop new and (hopefully) healthier habits.
All of this will begin to transcribe into your relationship - Don’t fight it.
Don’t hold on to the things you did in your honeymoon phase, let your evolved self show up and steal the show. More importantly don’t forget that your partner is evolving too and accept that version of them.
(2) Block out people’s opinions.
It’s your relationship not theirs, if you want to fight a little extra for it, you do that.
Don’t be frazzled by people’s judgments or opinions. There is no rule book for long distance relationships. You make your own limited edition.
You. Owe. Nobody. A. Justification.
(3) Don’t be afraid to be the one that loves the most.
There will be times in your relationship you will feel like the 'spark' is lost, it’s dying and there is nothing you can do. The distance is killing it.
Well, that’s when you take a moment to reflect on why you are doing this - the answer is probably a version of how much you love your partner. So don’t measure how much love or appreciation you are getting, give twice as more back and you will realise that’s what will pull you through, until you see them again.
(4) Be wary of the advice you get from friends.
They are the ones to sit by you and listen to you talk about your partner from time to time (yes, it’s completely acceptable to do so). They get the version where your partner has messed up or done something perfectly beautiful for you. It’s only natural for them to chime in and offer their opinion or advice.
We often forget that you give your friends only YOUR version of the story. So more often than not, their advice or opinions are unconsciously biased towards you. It’s human nature to empathise with your friends, but sometimes that can lead to advice (they definitely mean well) that may cause you to do things that may not always be the best for your relationship. They have the best intentions, but again this is your relationship, your rules, your promises.
This doesn’t negate the fact that, on some occasions it is their advice that keeps you sane. All I’m trying to say is - pick and choose wisely who you confide it but know what you really want.
(5) Don’t milk a bad day for too long
There will be misunderstandings and a bit of miscommunication from time to time. There will also be days where you end up with an agonizing feeling that your heart is being carved out with a butter knife. You will argue and fight.
When this happens, have your moment, get mad, blow it a little out of proportion if you need to make a point but don’t let it take over all the days that week or even that month.
Ask yourself - Was it a day/ week full of arguments and genuine disagreements? Or just that one tiny detail that annoyed you, that you’ve milked all day or even all week?
After you’ve reasoned it out and made up - Repeat point 3.
We made it through our long-distance. It was a bumpy road, but we made it.
Sharing this experience does not make me an expert in any way. But if I've had such an experience, I thought why not share. It could help someone, be relatable to some others and could possibly avalanche into this discussion of shared (good , bad, ugly) experiences in long-distance relationships - there's no version of this that's not helpful.
I can tell you with confidence that the long-distance made Joel & I value what we have so much more and never take anything for granted.
“Once a deep and powerful connection between two people has been made they become a vital part of each other’s lives and there is no separating them. No measure of distance or duration of silence can prevent the outbreak of smiles and laughter or strong desire to leap into each other’s arms when they come together once more”
- Beau Taplin
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