Life & Lemonade's very first contributor - she reached out to use this as a medium to share a life-altering experience in the hope to reach others battling similar situations.
Thank you for choosing to talk about it here, Maithili!
Here's Maithili for you:
I celebrate ‘Suicide Prevention Month’ in November cause it's when I lost my dad to suicide in 2014. I rushed back home to find him hanging from our ceiling fan; an image no matter how hard I try never leaves me. Although in retrospect, I was fortunate that his back was turned towards me and not his disfigured face, I would have probably lost whatever little sanity I have left; so I think I am lucky that the face I saw lying down on the pyre was a face I remembered, a face I grew up with, a face I loved and always will, I cannot say the same for his mind. My dad was headstrong, fearless, he stood for what he believed in. To give you an anecdote (at least what I remember of it) I cannot recall if it was my school or several schools in Mumbai who had decided to raise their annual fees. Some parents had organized a peaceful protest against it at Azad Maidan and my dad joined in. After a while, the police came in to drive everyone away. My father was never one to back down and refused to budge as he was in the right and within his rights to protest. He was jailed overnight for it. This is a trend that would continue much to the dislike of my mother and other family members. He would fight against people and institutions much mightier than him - in wealth, clout, and connections. At times defeated but never deterred.
But come 2012, everything changed.
He slipped into depression once again, he has had shorter, less severe bouts of depression before; but this time he was in his early sixties and his body was not strong enough for some intensive treatments that he had relied on in the past . With each passing day, he became more and more hopeless. His psyche changed, he became withdrawn, soft-spoken as if afraid to even let his voice leave his lips. He was scared - scared of himself, scared of the world, scared of us being in that world, everything! He became almost child-like, he would seek constant reassurance, he had lost all his confidence, all the will to fight. And anyone who had seen him with and without depression would tell you this was not the same man. He looked the same, albeit several pounds lighter, with dark circles from sleepless nights, but everything that made him unique was gone. What was left behind was a shrunken shelf of a person bearing shame and guilt that was not his to carry. The shame killed him long before he was gone, his suicide was a mere release.
A lot of analysis, blame throwing followed his suicide. Some blamed him, calling him a quitter, some blamed me, some my family but no one, not once blamed the disease, like we often do when we talk of cancer, tumour, or an aneurysm. It’s because we consider physical ailments a misfortune and mental illness a personal flaw. While both physical and mental illnesses affect the quality of life and its expectancy - only the former is deemed appropriate to seek the necessary treatment for - our insurance covers it, our offices will issue paid leaves, most relatives will express sympathy, communities will come together to help the person in need. Why can't we extend the same treatment to mental illnesses? Why should patients with mental illnesses carry the shame and stigma of society? Why should they feel like failures when it's the system that fails them! Having open conversations and learning about mental health is the first step towards making people feel accepted, understood, and supported.
Hope is what depression robs you of, and hope is what we can give by simply being there. It makes all the difference, enough to perhaps save a life.
How can you help someone who is suicidal?
- Reach out to them gently, listen without judgement. Tell them they are loved and while you may not know what they are going through exactly, you see their point of view and understand why they feel that way.
- Seek their motive, ask them why they are suicidal? Most suicidal thoughts arise as people often deem themselves a failure, a burden on others, or feel there is no way out of their current situation. Understanding why they feel suicidal will help you come up with reasons to reassure them. Show them why they are needed and ways in which their situation can improve.
Ex: When I was severely suicidal it was because I felt like my dad, this was it, it was never going to get better. It had already been a while since I was depressed. My mom asked me for six months, she asked me to give it six months - go to therapy, do the necessary self-care steps, take medication and if in six months I still felt the same she would let me do what I wanted (of course she didn't mean it). What it did for me was, it gave me a timeline, showed me that she understood and did not shame me for being weak or selfish. My depression didn't magically disappear at the end of six months, but it got better and in that moment she had succeeded in avoiding a suicidal attempt.
- Do not leave them alone, have someone stay with them at all times. Remove items that can endanger them - knives, ropes, medication, toxic substances etc.
- Do not force them into action or dismiss their feelings with statements like snap of it, life is a bitch to everyone, people are dying of hunger you at least have food on your plate or by forcing them to go out against their will. (They already feel guilty and bear a lot of shame for feeling the way they do, you will only fan that guilt and shame further with such statements)
- Get professional help. Offer to go with them or arrange to have someone take them for their first few visits
- Make a crisis plan together. This plan should have actionable steps they can take to distract them until the feeling passes. It can be simple activities such as going to the movies, going for a walk, playing with pets etc. It should include contact info of several people or services they can call, who can help them carry out this plan when they are triggered.
How can you help yourself if you are feeling suicidal?
- Reach out to family or friends. If you're not comfortable talking to someone you know, talking to a suicide helpline, counsellors or therapists can help. At times it’s easier to open up to a stranger than people you know and that’s okay.
- Ask someone to come over, do not try to fend off the feelings alone. You need help and there is nothing wrong with asking for it. It’s a sign of strength rather than weakness.
- If you live alone or have no friends or relatives around, you can call emergency services, they will make the necessary arrangements for you, they will pick you up, and monitor you until you are safe again.
(This tip was given by my therapist. Hospitals have to admit you if you are a danger to yourself)
- Join group therapy if you are not comfortable seeking one on one help. You will meet people going through similar feelings and make the whole experience a little less isolating.
DISCLAIMER: All of these suggestions are a combination of personal experience, advice straight from my therapist - Dr. Natasha Dsa (Holy Spirit Hospital, Mumbai) and resourceful articles shared with me in my time of need: https://www.rethink.org/advice-and-information/carers-hub/suicidal-thoughts-how-to-support-someone/
I've also complied a list of resources one can reach out to:
I. International Helplines (has a list of helplines for each country)
II. NGOs en France
E.P.E idF. Fil Sante Jeunes Hotline: 0800 235 236 Website: filsantejeunes.com
SOS Help Helpline: 01 46 21 46 46 Websitte: www.soshelpline.org/
Fédération S.O.S Amitié France Hotline: (+33) (0)1 40 09 15 22 Website: sos-amitie.com
III. NGOs in India
Arpita Foundation Helpline: +91 80 23655557 +91 8105247529
SAATH Helpline: +91 79 26929827
Jeevan Aastha Helpline: 1800 233 3330 Website: www.jeevanaastha.com
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