Catastrophizing: It means a person fixates on the worst possible outcome and treats it as likely, even when it is not.
I am somewhat of a catastrophist.
I often subscribe to the thinking that if I assume the worst outcome in a particular situation, and the worst doesn’t happen - it makes me feel good. Like I’ve avoided a disaster.
The unfortunate truth is - there probably was never going to be a disaster, to begin with.
It first starts with simple overthinking, then gradually cascades into comparing the situation at hand to a previous experience that bears no resemblance to this one, now you are deep in the trenches and it’s getting increasingly difficult to add an optimistic lens to the situation.
To clarify, this chain of thought isn’t crippling. I get out of bed, I perform all of the functions expected of me, and I might even be out grabbing a drink and sharing a laugh. BUT, this thought will reside somewhere in my mind, not allowing me to be fully present.
I’ll share an example for better relatability or understanding:
Oct 2022: I am hustling to get a new passport, which is taking time, not because of me or any documentation, but simply because there are massive federal government delays. I am working on a timeline, as I needed to be in India in early January for my family. This also meant getting a visa that was now adding another layer of complexity.
All the reading and confirmation from several people indicated the visa will take me 4 weeks. Having applied mid-Oct, I should realistically get it by mid-Nov, or latest by the first week of Dec if I accounted for any other unforeseen delays. The whole timeline still meant I would be on schedule to fly to India.
BUT, my catastrophist ass convinced myself I was never going to get the visa on time and lose all that airline ticket money and have my plans derailed. THERE WAS LITERALLY NOTHING INDICATING THIS WOULD HAPPEN. My visa arrived on time and there was this sense of false relief, for a situation I had cooked up myself.
While I do not have the universal answer to why or a specific trigger that initiates this kind of thinking, I have done the work to evaluate and identify where along the way I made this shift in my thinking. It was gradual.. A lot of it also had to do with just growing up and while I do not like to blame this - a very large part of it was my mother’s illness. It kinda re-defined who I am and dragged in thinking like this.
While a razzle-dazzle of pessimism every now and then is natural, catastrophizing has become this underlying layer reserved for the slightly bigger things in life.
Why am I writing about it? The purpose here is to open up about how natural it may have become to some of us, but we are afraid to talk about it for fear that no one else will understand. It is an extremely isolating feeling. Let me elaborate - my lived experience isn’t identical to anyone else’s and that makes me jump to the obvious conclusion that no one will understand my justifications about why I assume the worst and more importantly why I have been putting off addressing this kind of thinking.
BUT I WAS SO WRONG. AS WRONG AS THE LEFT TURNS I SOMETIMES MAKE.
There are empathetic people out there. Your people. That understand or try to understand. They give you a bit of tough love when needed and reason with you when your thoughts are spiraling. (these are days other than the ones with therapy)
However, all of this is hinged on you wanting to change that kind of thinking. You wanting to believe that the worst will not always come knocking on your door. You are not defined by the horridness the universe can throw at you.
In a recent conversation with my dad, I found myself saying - "Dada, we cannot let Mama’s condition take anything more from us. this is bad, but we’ve been through worse, and somehow we are here. not entirely great or unscathed, but we are here"
I surprised myself by that statement. Because it meant, I was slowly unsubscribing from the catastrophic thinking. It’s not going to be undone overnight, but starting somewhere is never a bad thing.
I want to leave you with an excerpt from a book I’m currently reading, that really hit hard: The Atlas of the Heart, By Brené Brown
..Then I always remember an interview I did with a man early on in my research. He was in his 60s and I’ll never forget how he looked at me when he said:
I used to think the best way to go through life was to expect the worst. That way, if it happened, you were prepared, and if it didn’t happen, you were pleasantly surprised. Then I was in a car accident and my wife was killed. Needless to say, expecting the worst didn’t prepare me at all. And worse, I still grieve for all those wonderful moments we shared and that I didn’t fully enjoy. My commitment to her is to fully enjoy every moment now. I just wish she was here now that I know how to do that.
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