Apathetic Alphas

ap·a·thet·ic showing or feeling no interest, enthusiasm or concern.

al·pha a leader; self-assured, powerful and confident in everything they do. These personality types don't hold back.

Apathetic Alphas - the oxymoron of this modern world. Speaking from personal experience…again.

There’s been this existential dread (exaggerating a tiny bit here for dramatic effect) looming over the past few years and it’s like the pandemic swopped in and added lighter fluid to that meek fire.

I believe I’m an Alpha (self-identified at least!) I’ve always had a feisty spirit, a certain confidence in everything I did. Never held back - professionally and personally.

this drew me to other alphas (shout out to all of you in my life, you know who you are!)

it’s a good kinda high to have, but over the past few years i’ve become a little less alpha and a little more apathetic…

it’s NOT oh-i’m-getting-older, technically these are my prime years, I’m financially independent, I have a good job, I have this blog, I married the love of my life…then why and where did this confidence, self-assurance and enthusiasm go?

I can’t be the only one, right? It’s not that I am not functioning at optimum levels, I am. But I visibly lack a passion for simple things I once wanted to chase. I want to care, but I procrastinate, I scroll online instead. It’s not that I do not care at all, I do. I can’t find the most accurate words to express this feeling but here’s an attempt:

It’s sort of an out-of-body experience, where you see yourself being a bit apathetic, but at the same time you know a version of yourself that used to exist that would have pushed a little more, cared a little more, done it a bit differently. you know exactly what to do, but do not act with that same enthusiasm in this moment. It’s a delicate co-existence of two very real versions of yourself.

I’m going to do what human nature draws me to - find reasonable and unreasonable things, situations and people to blame this apathetic behaviour on.

I think a very reasonable start would be the news. I do not recall the last time anything about the news made me feel hopeful, relaxed or excited. Even if small bits of it did, they were followed by larger bits of just pure unpleasantness. Another great addition to this cocktail is the dwindling ‘presence’ of people, myself included. We are online more than we are present - for ourselves, for people, for our communities at large. Everything and everyone is moving into the metaverse, dating is now just shuffling between apps, TikTok trends are getting weirder, we are having ‘real’ conversations online. (!?) I spent more time Instagram-ing a hike than simply taking in the gorgeous views. Lo & Behold yet another mighty contributor - the pandemic, that crept in and amplified every feeling of despair, apathy, loneliness and anxiety. and then, the pandemic just stayed….. The last ingredient in this deadly cocktail is none other than our old friend- burnout. the tremendous pressure we have put on us and we put on ourselves has to be a significant contributor too, right?

I do not have any big conclusion or learning here, I’m sharing this not just to connect with others out there that feel like this or just be honest about a feeling but somewhere deep down I may be looking for validation that I am indeed not the only one that feels like this, because it’s a pretty isolating feeling that feeds into being apathetic. vicious circle et al.

However, I do want to conclude with some advice I was recently given by someone very special to me and it has helped me navigate through this feeling a lot better rather than just sweeping it under the rug, so here goes:

There are seasons in our life: some years we hustle, some years we cultivate and some years we rest. Happiness or success cannot be associated with ‘everything/one being excellent all the time’

“Nothing is permanent in this wicked world— not even our troubles.” - Charles Chaplin.